Put Out or Get Out

Ok, so I promised that this would be the title of today's blog entry and I'm not one to make false promises. Today's entry is obviously about sex, or lack thereof. I've had this conversation with several women friends over the past few days and some interesting ideas have come out of it... the one I'm going with is Sherri's brilliant FMF concept. FMF is Fuck Me First. You want to go hang out and do guy things? No prob - FMF. You want to buy a big screen TV and watch porn all day? Fine. FMF.

For all those who have been following the saga off-line - the sad tale of the - not boyfriend - as Christine calls him (heretofore referred to as The NB) continues...with some interesting plot twists. Following his greatest hits including "Drunk on Your Birthday", "I Know I Don't Show it the Way I Should but I Love You Baby" and "Pickin' a Fight Cause I Don't Want to Hang" now comes "Sex Drought."

Yes, it's been a while. We talk about it, we make appointments to do it, we insist that we're both VERY interested in it (and with each other - I'm a thorough checker) and yet no one has touched anyone's naughty parts. Other than THAT everything has been lovely. I was at the NB's apartment the other night until 3 - I was sure it was going to happen, I was licking my chops, chomping at the bit, foaming at the mouth - but all on the inside. We were having one of those long, intimate, tell each other everything, deeply personal conversations that usually goes from someone talking, to someone crying, to hugging, to sex on the living room floor. Strangely, I was not the one doing the talking in this convo.

Stranger yet, sometime during the course of this conversation The NB asked me out on a real, honest-to-God date! He wants to take me out to dinner. On Monday. An actual plan was made. I was and still am shocked. My shock quickly turned to chagrin, however, when at 2:30AM he looked at me adoringly and said, "Sweetpea" - yes, he calls me Sweetpea...and frequently - "I don't think I'm going to be very good company tonight." Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

I was a good sport. Put on shoes. Got ready to go. He kissed me and told me that he loves me. He grabbed me by the door and hugged me and said that we owe each other a little...you know...promised we'd do that soon, etc. Now, I love this man but there are some things that just cannot stand! I tolerate his not-boyfriendness, I try to go with the flow but at a certain point -- COME ON!!!! There is only so much sexual frustration I can handle. I am irritable, not sleeping well, occasionally kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies. HELP A SISTER OUT!! If this weekend goes by and I have not been schtupped - well, desperate times call for desperate measures. So everybody say a prayer to Jeebus for me. Thank you and good night.