Last Days of Disco

I just made some great pesto and I'm feeling pretty satiated but a little bit moody-cranky-weepy. Let's be honest folks, I'm only beginning to mourn my loss...that loss being The Darkside. The Darkside closed its doors on Sunday night after a weekend of hard partyting, especially Saturday, the night of the closing party. I can sit here and tell you how much fun we had this weekend (which we did) and how much I'm going to miss everyone (which I will) but I'm just beginning to get to the heart of what has really been bothering me about this ending...it has more to do with the nature of friendship and relationships...they ARE about what you put into them and - to get right to the point - if someone actually has to pick up the phone and call you to make plans rather than just showing up at the bar at "the usual time"...they usually don't make the call and friendships fall off.

That's very true, but let me go right on ahead and confess what's really been bothering me. I have been ridiculously in love with the NB for a year now. For the past year I've seen him just about every day, we email throughout the day, we're in constant contact and now here we are at the end of the day (so to speak) and I'm terrified of losing him. We're at this bizarre seemingly critical juncture in our relationship that I'm having enough of a hard time navigating when I do see him all the time. The doors of this bar closing also gives him a fall back position - an excuse to hide.

Honesty time kids, I realize that he is a total shit sometimes but I also know that he knows me like no one else does. No matter how many times I tell him I'm fine and smile he can just cut through all the bullshit, look me in the eyes and ask me what's wrong. Over the past two months we've grown closer and closer. He said to me the other night "You and I are at the point where we literally finish each other's sentences...I love that. I love you. You're perfect." I almost cried...and I have thinking about it since....partially because it's exactly what I need to hear and what I've wanted all along and partially because when I get something sincere and heartfelt and emotional from him it's accompanied by a retreat.

Case in point: we spent all afternoon and evening together yesterday. He told me how important I am to him, how much he loves me, etc. and finally tells me that he's like me to spend the night and maybe even stay while he's at work - this is huge for him. He ends up inviting another male friend as well and we hang out til an obscene hour. During the evening he and I talked fairly candidly to our pal about each other, our relationship, etc. The NB was very affectionate and touchy all night.

When bedtime rolled around, however, he got into bed with Auto Week. When he turned out the light he wedged a pillow between our bodies and he literally didn't touch me the entire night. More approach-avoidance for you. I'm finally at the point where I actually believe he loves me but there's nothing I can do to help him deal with it. Now, here's the real kicker...the tearjerker....he's interviewing for a job in L.A. Every time he mentions it I start crying. He's actually doing a phone interview right now and I'm waiting for him to call me and tell me about it.

Anyone want to take bets on whether I get the call or not???