The F Word

I just got home from a night out with the NB. It was great, actually. I picked him up at 6:30 and we drove up to O'Neil's and had a few drinks. It was so strange in that I realized tonight that he and I had never gone out just the two of us. We'd ended up alone together but we'd always started out with a group. At first it was just like an awkward first date and then things relaxed a lot.

I don't want to go on for long because I'm tired but the gist is this: when I took him home he kissed me but I just felt like he was afraid of me...that he was trying to keep his distance. He said he'd see me tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to, but something was just weird. I started driving home when I picked up my cell and called him and said, "I wanted to ask you something...I think about making love with you...mmm... pretty much constantly and I don't know if we're on the same wavelength on this one so I need you to tell me what I'm doing wrong." His first response? "Why are we talking about this on the phone and not in person?" A million things shot through my head...because I need to obsess for a few minutes before a fully formed thought emerges, because I need the distance of you not being in front of me, because I'm a coward...but most importantly because I love you and I'm scared of you.

Here's the thing -- I don't know what to tell him and what not to. I'm scared that something I say is going to send him running for the hills. I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I hate to admit it but he's right. We should be talking about this in person. I should grow some stones and say what I have to say to his face. He said we'd talk tomorrow night and I know what I have to do. I have to be brave. I just have to do it. God, this could totally fuck everything up but I also know that we can't move on without it. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!