Sun's Over the Yardarm

The Adventures of Princess P and Vitamin T

8.12.2006

Zen and the Art of Not Boyfriend Maintenance

I think I'm experiencing a hormonal imbalance or something. For some reason I have been feeling ridiculously weepy lately to the point of complete and total lameness. This morning I was sitting on the couch having coffee and watching TV when "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" came on. This movie is intended for a viewing audience with a median age of about 15. I cried. I wasn't even crying at parts where the average teen queen would cry. Basically I was just very glad there was no one around to witness this abomination.

I suppose I could just say that this is yet another byproduct of the relationship with the NB. The fucked up part is that things are relatively good. We had a great night together last night. We went out for drinks with the boys and then went back to his place. He was telling story after story which I always enjoy but it was getting late and I knew the evening would be ending soon so I initiated a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Honey, I love you...
NB: (interrupting) I love you very much.
Me: I love you and I love your stories but I need to be petted and stroked right now.
NB: I'm sorry...sorry to keep droning on.

So I lie down on the couch with my head against his chest and he puts his arms around me -- perfect. Perfect...and then he says, "I'm sorry that I don't know what I want. I have to figure it out." I told him I wasn't willing to have that conversation right now, that I love him just as he is and that I just wanted to enjoy being with him but I must say I do have some commentary that I'd like to share with you.

1. This is not as bad as it seems. For those of you who know the NB you realize that he ALWAYS knows what he wants or at least manages to state emphatically something he claims is what he wants so this admission is relatively unusual. Typical would be "I love you but I don't want a relationship." This is more like, "I might want a relationship so lemme think about it." As I said before, he already loves me, he just has to figure out how to deal with it. I must say I'm hopeful.

2. I can't help but wonder what he wanted me to say. Maybe I did say the right thing but as we all know, when we say things there's an underlying need or motive. If I say "I look fat in these pants?" the correct answer is "No sweetheart you're not fat, you look beautiful." I don't just think I look fat (although I do) I also need reassurance, a compliment, attention.

3. What do I do now? Part of me just wants to hard-line it and tell him what he already knows - that I'm in love with him, that I want to be with him and only him and that he wants the same thing he's just freaked the fuck out. I am not the person who's going to hurt him...it's just not in me. Probably a bad idea all around. I think the end result will just be him freaking the fuck out some more.

Look, one of you has to know something or at least have a good guess so post a comment, send an email, give my pathetic ass a call and throw me a bone cause I'm at a loss. I really believe at a certain point you habituate to another person...you know their nuances, their faces, their noises, their moods and you learn how to go with the flow. If you haven't you probably shouldn't be in it. We know each other so well it's scary (he's been calling me on a certain look I've been giving him lately that I didn't even know was on my face) and I'm a pro at NB management on a daily basis but I feel like we've hit this critical juncture and a misstep could really set off a landmine.

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